The New Joke Thread

[MicHughV]

this is why perpetual motion remains elusive....countless innovative and brilliant ideas...but not a single one works...
on paper, yes, it " could" work, but in "real" life, no, it will not work.

The bushmen of the Kalahari have got this down pat.
Were you ask them to count....they would go....one,two, three, many....
anything beyond three is "many"....they have no words for millions, trillions, etc...it's all just "many"
how many children do you have...."many"
how far to that mountain...."many days"..
how many stars in the heavens..."many"
how many wives do you have...."many"

It's quite possible that we could learn something from them....

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

I once met a guy who introduced himself as a civil engineer. I started laughing hilariously, then I noticed he wasn't laughing. I told him I thought he was joking, and in a very serious voice, he said, "Why would I joke about my career?"

I answered, "Because you're the first person I've met who actually admitted to being a civil engineer!"

"What's wrong with that?"

"Here, I'll show you." I drew a 3 lane fwy in the sand. Then I added a 270* turn entrance, then after that, a 270* exit. I asked him, "Does this fwy configuration look familiar?"

"Yes, that's how we typically build fwy off and on ramps."

"OK, so the incoming traffic has to slow to about 30 mph to negotiate the 270* turn, then they must accelerate to merge into the fwy flowing at about 75 mph. Meanwhile, the fwy traffic exiting less than 1/4 mi later has to slow to merge into the exit lane, meanwhile swapping lanes and merging past the accelerating incoming traffic. This is where the vast majority of accidents occur, where everyone is changing speeds and lanes at once."

"So? That's how we design them."

"Right, but if you asked a 5 yr old kid to design it, he would draw a nice 1/4 mi exit, then an overpass with a 1/4 mi entrance and the exiting traffic would be gone before the entering traffic even got on the on-ramp, they'd never see each other much less have to merge past each other while changing speeds. In essence, a 5 yr old kid is smarter than all of the civil engineers. Don't even get me started on all of the local hwys that start out as 3 lane, then narrow down to 2 lanes so it takes 2 hrs to travel 40 mi during rush hr. How many brain cells does it take to just make it 3 or 4 lanes from end to end? It's even cheaper to build a 3 lane hwy now than to narrow it down to 2 lanes then go back 10 yrs later and add the 3rd lane. If you ever wonder why people either laugh at you, or are angry with you, there's your answer! A 5 yr old could do a better job!"

Actually, most freeway entrance/exit intersections are built with long, straight merge and exit lanes plus there are some valid reasons for building a cloverleaf design.

One is in cities or congested areas where there isn't room for the long ramps without tearing down a lot of expensive buildings. Also a full cloverleaf has long, straight entrance and exit ramps in addition to the cloverleaf. This allows traffic in all directions to enter and exit the freeway without the need for traffic lights on the intersecting road.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by skipmac

Actually, most freeway entrance/exit intersections are built with long, straight merge and exit lanes plus there are some valid reasons for building a cloverleaf design.

One is in cities or congested areas where there isn't room for the long ramps without tearing down a lot of expensive buildings. Also a full cloverleaf has long, straight entrance and exit ramps in addition to the cloverleaf. This allows traffic in all directions to enter and exit the freeway without the need for traffic lights on the intersecting road.

That's not always the case in southern CA. We've got a lot of places where they could have done a nice straight entrance, or an overpass, but instead we ended up with cloverleafs. We also had 2 hwys with 3 lanes merging into 2 lanes for most of the distance, and one hwy they started building on both ends, then stopped, leaving about a 1 mi gap in the middle for over 5 yrs.

There's no excuse for that kind of idiocy.

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

That's not always the case in southern CA. We've got a lot of places where they could have done a nice straight entrance, or an overpass, but instead we ended up with cloverleafs. We also had 2 hwys with 3 lanes merging into 2 lanes for most of the distance, and one hwy they started building on both ends, then stopped, leaving about a 1 mi gap in the middle for over 5 yrs.

There's no excuse for that kind of idiocy.

A lot of that sounds more like a failure in the state highway department than a failure in engineering.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by skipmac

A lot of that sounds more like a failure in the state highway department than a failure in engineering.

Exactly.

And the state hwy dept. is staffed with...

civil engineers.

[GordMay]

socaldmax: I was going to talk to my cardiologist, next week, but I wonder if, perhaps you (or your five year old exemplar), could offer me some medical advice, instead?

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Exactly.

And the state hwy dept. is staffed with...

civil engineers.

Maybe in CA but all the places I know the highway department employees some engineers but it is run by civil servants (not civil engineers) or politicians or accountants.

By the way, I once worked for the GA highway department as a summer job when I was in engineering school. All the decisions came down from the politicians and budget people.

[Mirage35]

Speaking as a bored (ex) engineer on a Tuesday afternoon.

A psychologist was studying the difference between mathematicians and engineers. He set up a test where each was allowed to walk toward a desirable object (when I learned the joke it was an attractive young woman, but I want to be inclusive here).

But ... they were told they had to first cover half of the distance, then half of the remaining distance, and so on.

The engineering immediately started walking while the mathematician just stood there chuckling to himself.

The researcher asked why he wasn't going anywhere, and he explained "any fool knows that with a progression like that you can never actually get there."

When that was pointed out to the engineer, he replied "Of course I know that, but I also know I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

[Mirage35]

An engineer, an architect and a city planner were discussing God.

The engineer said that God was clearly an engineer and cited the human body as an example: functional, efficient, self-repairing. That's clearly engineering.

The architect thought he was partly right, but noted that the human body was also of elegant design and pleasant to look at (side note - we're not talking about mine now). That, he felt, came into the domain of architecture.

The city planner, after listening patiently, insisted that God was obviously a city planner: "Who else would put an irrigation canal in a recreation zone?"

[Mirage35]

Graduation day: Fore yeers ago i coudnt even spel engineer. Now i are won.

[delmarrey]

Just found out we own an island in Scotland......


.

[socaldmax]

Originally Posted by GordMay

socaldmax: I was going to talk to my cardiologist, next week, but I wonder if, perhaps you (or your five year old exemplar), could offer me some medical advice, instead?

I asked the 5 yr old if he would be willing to help you out. He said no, you get "free medical" already and more importantly, he apparently doesn't like your political jokes.

I'd help you out, but I'm busy redesigning the local hwys.

[ArmyDaveNY]

How can you differentiate the extroverted engineer from the other introverted engineers?

He's the one looking at your shoes!

[GordMay]

Originally Posted by ArmyDaveNY

How can you differentiate the extrovert engineer from the other introverted engineers?
He's the one looking at your shoes!

Indeed.
The introvert is looking at his shoes, while the extrovert is looking at your shoes.

[ChrisJHC]

An engineer, a scientist and a mathematician were on a train heading north, and had just crossed the border into Scotland.

The engineer looked out of the window and said "Look! Scottish sheep are black!"
The scientist said, "No, no. Some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician looked irritated. "There is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, of which at least one side is black."