The New Joke Thread

[GordMay]

***

[Glenn C]

Originally Posted by skipmac

A lot of that sounds more like a failure in the state highway department than a failure in engineering.

as a Mech Engineer, we could build weapons....the Civils built targets

[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Glenn C

as a Mech Engineer, we could build weapons....the Civils built targets

But MEs needed the EEs to make sure the weapons got were they were intended to go.

[GordMay]

On the night of October 31, I stabbed a vampire, kicked a witch, beatnzombies to death, and killed the devil itself ...
... When I bragged about my accomplishments, my wife, Maggie, shouted:
"GORD, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES!"

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

ON EXPERTS:

Eight out of ten experts agree that...
... the other two are idiots who should not be called experts.

Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather...
Mr. President.

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.
We call them coroners.

I'm no expert on covid-19 but I do know the cure
They are an amazing band from the 80s.

[Uncle Bob]

A little christmas spirit perhaps....

https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...1&d=1606430096

[NSboatman]

Originally Posted by skipmac

But MEs needed the EEs to make sure the weapons got were they were intended to go.

Nah. Phizzicks man. Ballistics work!

[GordMay]

[captainbri]

The pope is in town and he wants to go out for dinner.

He aneeks out of his room and goes down to the limousine, he tells the driver. I want to drive, the driver says. No I can't not do that. The pope says. I am the pope I want to drive.

He gets in the driver's seat takes off and is having a great time. He is a bad driver, a policeman sees a limousine driving reckless.

The policeman pulls the limo over, walks up to the window and says. I'll be right back.

He radios the dispatcher and says. What do I do if I have someone really important pulled over, the dispatcher says who do you have pulled over, the cop says... I don't know but the pope is the driver.

[GordMay]

Opinions are like orgasms.
1. I can have one at home, using the internet, and that’s fine.
But, if I have one at a party, everybody asks me to leave.
2. Mine is more important, and I don't care if she has one.

My opinion on abortion is kinda complicated.
I'm all for killing children, but I cant stand giving women rights. (Too much?)

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

I went to the doctor the other day, for a sexual problem.
It’s not what you’re probably thinking, though.
My eyes, and sometimes my entire face, would burn during sex. Sometimes my eyes began watering uncontrollably, making me unable to see.
The doctor said it was probably the pepper spray, but I’m seeking a second opinion.

[OutOfControl]

Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many, many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up,
firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

"**** Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday evening. I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, "Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes!

She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said,

"Do whatever you want."

So, here I am. You guys want a beer?

[GordMay]

A man wakes up feeling sick, so he goes to an urgent care center. The doctor asks what his symptoms are, and he tells her, "I'm not sure - I'm just not right."
The doctor immediately replies, "I need a urine specimen."
The man is taken aback. "Why do you need a urine sample? You haven't even examined me!"
The doctor points to a computer in the corner of her office and explains, "We're trying to reduce the cost of health care, so we've got this new system that can diagnose any medical condition with just a urine sample."
The man is skeptical, but he reluctantly goes into the bathroom, pees into the cup and brings it back to the examination room. His doctor pours the specimen into a funnel connected to the computer, pushes a button and waits a few seconds. Out pops a small piece of paper.

She looks at it and tells him, "Says here you've got tennis elbow."

The man gets furious. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Your computer isn't worth a damn. I want a second opinion."
The doctor says, "Well, okay. We're still working out the kinks. Take this vial home and bring me a new specimen tomorrow. I'll run it through again, no charge."
So the man drives home, getting angrier by the minute. He decides to **** with the system.
First, he gives his teenage daughter the vial and says, "Pee a little in here." She does.
Next, he gives the vial to his wife and says, "Pee a little more in here." She does.
Then he goes into the garage, crawls under his car, loosens the crankcase plug and adds a few drops of oil to the specimen.
Finally, he whips out his dick and masturbates into the cup.
The next morning he returns to the urgent care center and smugly hands the vial to his doctor. She pours the contents into the funnel and pushes the button. Out pops another slip of paper.

She looks at the results and tells him, "Your daughter's pregnant, your wife has the clap, your car needs an oil change, and if you don't quit jerking off, you'll never get over that tennis elbow!"