The New Joke Thread

[dfelsent]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

"Are you sure the cat isn't superpositioned?"

I used to work with a guy who literally sat in Heidelberg’s old office chair.

I’ve always wondered if he was certain about that.

[KnightSailor]

Flippers anyone?

[KnightSailor]

Good ole Vitamin R

[KnightSailor]

Riddle Me This

[KnightSailor]

Now THAT is cold

[OutOfControl]

Pet Diaries

Excerpts from the diary of a dog:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from the diary of a cat:

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

[StuM]

Originally Posted by KnightSailor

Riddle Me This

A self-evident statement.

[Pelagic]

Originally Posted by StuM

A self-evident statement.

Help me Stu... I dont see it?

[StuM]

Originally Posted by Pelagic

Help me Stu... I dont see it?

"What" is a 4 letter word
"Sometimes" is a 9 letter word
"Never" is a 5 letter word


(The question mark is incorrect punctuation. It's a statement, not a question)

[ChrisJHC]

Around here, “work” is a four-letter word!

[JPA Cate]

Worse than that, it's a four letter word ending in "k"!

Some of us say w w w w w?

[bobnlesley]

Originally Posted by Uncle Bob

Attachment 235341

I U-turned ours in the Panama Canal, but I'd need offering a lot more that $100 to try and repeat the manoeuvre.

[GordMay]

[GordMay]

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[Mickeyrouse]

Originally Posted by socaldmax

Boating and Biology.

It’s all about proportion.