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ProtectTheOcean · 22-03-2011, 07:47

PREFACE: He asked for constructive criticism. Please, disagree if you like but don't come running to his defense, as I'm not attacking.

Points, in no particular order:

As nes said, I'd like to have been introduced to the vessel.

The fillers "so, uh..." were minimal, but any of them should be eliminated.

It's a helm, not a wheel. Nautical terms should be used. You said wheel a couple times in a row in that opening narrative. You might have referred to the helm the first time, then used "wheel" the second time, in case there were viewers who were unclear, but saying "wheel" repeatedly, rather than helm (especially in that phrasing/context) makes you appear amateurish, reduces confidence in the caliber of your advice/perspective. And a point: try to avoid redundancy. Then again, I'm a wordsmith, so I notice such things.

Seems to me that you had a great day for shooting as well (no sun means no glare.). You bring up the clouds, referring to them as "ominous" twice (redundant word choices) but don't express to the viewer WHY clouds would be a bad omen.

I liked the line "... decided to take a sail today and.... play with the wind!"

As far as 2:38 in, your music is still a bit too high in the mix, and the overall mix could use more volume. Try "Normalizing" the soundtrack, to increase the gain.

You refer to your dad, and the cemetery, and what he instilled in you. This would have been a good time for a brief tribute, perhaps a photo of him, or of the two of you together, laid over the continued sailing image for a moment? Or a shot of the grave, as the camera pans to the shoreline. We didn't see the cemetery, so it was a bit vague at first (the reference.) Which leads into that since you hadn't really introduced this voyage you're planning on sharing until that point, it was a bit out of the blue, and left me wondering exactly what you were talking about. That distracts from the next few moments. Perhaps sharing about the proposed voyage would have been a good thing to share at the very beginning, to set up the story. I'd gotten the impression that you were just taking us along for a day sail.

"The water got more and more choppy, and more rough..." Again, redundancy. Could have used, "The water became increasingly choppy, the waves more rough," or at at least said "rougher" rather than more rough.

You're still referring to this threat without explaining WHY, what might happen, etc. Then you talk about Kevin deciding to head back in a mile into the trip. (This is also the first time we even know that Kevin is there, let alone WHO he is. Putting his intro to the vessel at the beginning would have avoided that distraction and confusion.) Again, I'm wondering what loomed ahead that he was worried about, but you never say. I also saw a great opportunity for drama lost, in that, so far, it isn't appearing all that rough or large, so the viewer hasn't gotten that sense of adrenalin/adventure.

The light flare at 7:10 would be best fixed or cut.

As you head back and the wind is (presumably) behind you, the wind noise becomes more than just annoying. Get a cat for that mic!
Rode Dead Cat | Sweetwater.com

At 9:20 or so, she heels as you change tack and bring the buoy to port. That would have been a great opportunity for the camera to face forward and show how close the water gets at port, and the gap between at starboard.

As the music comes back in, I'm getting REALLY tired of hearing that same riff droning on. Switch it up. Another piece entirely, something light and fun, maybe? The transition doesn't have to happen at that point. Before would have been better. Then return to the existing song when you go back into higher energy moments.

There's a military ship that never got referred to or identified, then the cruise ship. It seemed like we were going to find out about the military vessel, but no. Then the bit about the cruise ship being the first youv'e ever been on, and the audience is wondering "What happened to that big grey thing?"

The slo-mo closing to the sail at 11:20 was nicely done! That should have been where you ended the piece.

The shot of the real vessel at the end was a better choice for your logo than the computer-generated vessel that you used in the beginning. This experience is organic, the opening suggested a techie feel and left me wondering what educational video I was about to view.

As mentioned before, put Kevin's bit about the vessel in the beginning... or tell what she is yourself in the beginning. That would have given perspective, gotten a sailor's interest, and allowed you to leave off with that smiling slo-mo shot.

I liked a lot of it. In the overall, it was better than home video... but I'd caution you to avoid shots like the long one of your cameraman (as you'd turned back) where he's just standing there and nothing is happening) because stuff like that (and then panning to you, also doing nothing) gives it more of a home video slice-of-life feel than I think you want. Keep it feeling professional. Above all else, let the camera's lens take the audience with on the adventure -- not just at a tag-along perspective, but from your own eye. I'm CERTAIN, for example, that you leaned over and looked at the waves as they rushed past the hull. But we didn't see that -- not even once. It's that perspective that will bring the viewer to feel it. Don't TELL them when you can SHOW them.

I hope you'll take these suggestions as well-intended, to improve/edit this episode, and future productions. Do keep at it, you've got something there. Just gotta bring it up a few notches!

meburma · 22-03-2011, 08:56

@protecttheocean thank you so much for the critique. Very helpful.

I think some issues a few people have noted stem from this being the 9th video in a series of them on my blog and I've already started a shorthand in talking about what I'm up to. Need to remember that new viewers always need to be brought a bit up to speed. Not everyone watching will understand that this was literally my first time sailing.

In that perspective I did use the wrong terms especially regarding the helm a few times. But that's because I am an amateur. ;-)

As to mic noise. I am using $139 Kodak Playsport cameras to shoot this. Nowhere to put a wind filter on the onboard mic there.

Both myself and my cameraman were sailing for our very first time so the camera didn't run when we were both too busy trying to not fall out of the boat. ;-) A disappointment for sure not to have that footage, but you work with what you get. Hopefully I'll be able to catch more of the dramatic footage in the future.

Again, this feedback is very helpful. I greatly appreciate it. And I will definitely be taking it all in and use it to improve my future entries and the eventual documentary I will be making.

WithSailsUnfurled.com - The Adventure of a Lifetime Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers

meburma · 22-03-2011, 09:21

I just realized something too, I didn't know anything about the boat until we were on it. We met the owner down there and I didn't actually get the chance to interview him about the boat directly until after the trip. But I'll definitely try to do that sort of thing "predeparture" from now on.

Of course in editing I can put that anywhere I'd like, I know.

WithSailsUnfurled.com - The Adventure of a Lifetime Sent from my iPhone using Cruisers

zeehag · 22-03-2011, 12:08

ye know---it isnt how or what but THAT he is...... good show, dood-- your face sed a lot more than words could. deflowering a sailboat virgin is a particularly interesting job---i think ye did perfect.

ty.gregory · 22-03-2011, 13:54

I liked the vid a lot! One of the things that I appreciated most was that it depicted a newbie sailor and his thoughts. I hope you continue to make your future videos geared somewhat to other newbies, (such as me). I think this makes sense in view that "old hands" at sailing really don't need to see any videos of sailing. People like you and me, on the other hand, need all the instruction we can get. I am wondering about that "donut" part. What happened there? I get that the helmsman was trying to steer to starboard, but the boat was continueing to port. Might have been visa versa, but my question is, what happened there, and why? I'd also like to see some interior shots of the boat.

You have a great speaking voice that is easy to listen to. I was glad to learn there is such a thing as a wind block shield" for the mic. That wind roar ruins most vedeos for me, your's it wasn't too bad. Anyway, nice job and good luck. I look forward to more like it!

meburma · 22-03-2011, 14:09

Quote:

Originally Posted by ty.gregory

I liked the vid a lot! One of the things that I appreciated most was that it depicted a newbie sailor and his thoughts. I hope you continue to make your future videos geared somewhat to other newbies, (such as me). I think this makes sense in view that "old hands" at sailing really don't need to see any videos of sailing. People like you and me, on the other hand, need all the instruction we can get. I am wondering about that "donut" part. What happened there? I get that the helmsman was trying to steer to starboard, but the boat was continueing to port. Might have been visa versa, but my question is, what happened there, and why? I'd also like to see some interior shots of the boat.

You have a great speaking voice that is easy to listen to. I was glad to learn there is such a thing as a wind block shield" for the mic. That wind roar ruins most vedeos for me, your's it wasn't too bad. Anyway, nice job and good luck. I look forward to more like it!

Ty,

Thanks man. It's true that the videos and indeed my entire site are going to be geared for a more "general audience" overall. It's nice to hear your enthusiasm and I hope that it does that for most noobs and non-sailor types. But I also want to make sure I keep it legit enough that I don't scare off experienced sailors too much. I'd like them to be able to watch as well and maybe recall their early days of sailing too.

We were coming back into the bay during the storm, the winds in the mouth of San Diego Bay were swirling and switching on us a lot. I'm not entirely certain how it all happened but there were a couple of times where the boat just had a mind of her own and swung about on us.

She sports a racing keel as I understand and she turns on a dime.

I'm sure in time I'll understand better why she responded the way she did and will be able to articulate such things better in the future.

Thanks for the compliment on my voice. I am a professional director and VO artist. So my ego loves the stoking. :-)

**Pblais** · 22-03-2011, 15:21

Quote:

I hope you continue to make your future videos geared somewhat to other newbies, (such as me). I think this makes sense in view that "old hands" at sailing really don't need to see any videos of sailing.

He makes a good point, but I still like to see people going sailing. You'll find a lot of members like to see sailing video. They are always popular.

One of the primary missions of CF is to promote boating. Seeing it leads to doing it.

meburma · 22-03-2011, 15:32

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pblais

He makes a good point, but I still like to see people going sailing. You'll find a lot of members like to see sailing video. They are always popular.

One of the primary missions of CF is to promote boating. Seeing it leads to doing it.

Hear hear!

My thoughts exactly!

Wyoming pirate · 25-03-2011, 19:09

I very much like your honesty. It captured the thrill of sailing and that was well done! by the way, I'm the guy behind you that say's: he showed you his so I'll show you mine- get the picture. Anyway great job, very honest, maybe too much drama for what it was. Nice daysail. Your presentation is much more professional than mine. You captured the moment severals times, Two thumbs up! Please take a moment and critique my videos honestly. Thanks

meburma · 27-03-2011, 01:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wyoming pirate

I very much like your honesty. It captured the thrill of sailing and that was well done! by the way, I'm the guy behind you that say's: he showed you his so I'll show you mine- get the picture. Anyway great job, very honest, maybe too much drama for what it was. Nice daysail. Your presentation is much more professional than mine. You captured the moment severals times, Two thumbs up! Please take a moment and critique my videos honestly. Thanks

Wyoming,

I'd be happy to take a look at your videos. Got a link?

Wyoming pirate · 27-03-2011, 04:01

This should get you there. If not we are in the same forum mine is entitled: He showed you his so I'll show you mine... video that is
Thanks

http://www.cruisersforum.com/forums/...-is-57461.html

Del628 · 24-04-2011, 11:08

Watch the video at WithSailsUnfurled .com and then please post comment critiques here on CF. If you have a general comment, please feel free to post it to the WithSailsUnfurled site directly.

Thanks a bunch everyone!

[/QUOTE]
Right on bruddah! As a novice videographer and wanna be sailor myself someday, I give your first sail documentation 2 thumbs up. Your narration was very well done,my wife says you have a calm soothing voice, editing was very good and Brian's handling of the camera was commendable.
How very cool that you got to do this for your first sail. Right on!!

Del

zeehag · 24-04-2011, 11:20

david--i enjoy the look on your face when you sail--hurry back to my crew so i can watch ye some more--is fun!!!! you are a good friend and as crew, much missed!

Del628 · 24-04-2011, 12:54

Quote:

I hope you'll take these suggestions as well-intended, to improve/edit this episode, and future productions. Do keep at it, you've got something there. Just gotta bring it up a few notches!

As a newbie to sailing and this forum, I "thought" I enjoyed the video, yes I "did" enjoy the video but, after reading your critique/review, I said that's right I would've liked to know this n that, and why and where n what for.
Thanks for your honest input, looking forward to hearing and learning more from the experienced ones..

Mahal nui loa