Landlocked in Vermont

[dreamer1]

Hello, just thought I would introduce myself here. I'm 51 year old dreamer from Vermont. About a year ago I happened upon the Cruisers lifestyle on YouTube and I've been dreaming ever since. I'm ready to sell the house and buy a sailboat and adventure to every nook and cranny on the globe. The big stopper is my wife. Unfortunately she doesn't share my dream and she doesn't want to sell the house. I've set up a 5 year plan in my mind but it is impossible without her cooperation. How do I change her mind?

I've never sailed, but am planning on something in the 22 foot range for next summer. Of course I will only be on some of Vermont's beautiful lakes but it will get me going. Meanwhile I continue to live through everyone else's v-logs and shall continue to dream.

Within 3 years my intentions are to buy a bluewater boat and have a couple of years for the refit. In 5 years...I shall live the dream...

[Wilyum]

Why the reluctance on her part, other than selling the house?

[Jamme]

I have Chat-GPTed the question for you. Here’s the response:

It's clear that you have a strong desire for adventure and a new lifestyle, but it's important to address this as a couple. Here are some steps you can consider to discuss your dream with your wife and potentially find a compromise:

1. **Open and Honest Communication:** Start by having a candid conversation with your wife. Explain your dream, your reasons behind it, and why it's so important to you. Encourage her to share her feelings and concerns as well.

2. **Listen to Her Concerns:** Be a good listener and try to understand her reservations. It's crucial to acknowledge her feelings and concerns even if they differ from your own.

3. **Find Common Ground:** Seek areas of compromise. Maybe there's a way to incorporate elements of your dream without completely selling the house. Can you plan shorter sailing trips or vacations to explore together?

4. **Joint Decision-Making:** Make decisions as a team. If it involves selling the house or making significant lifestyle changes, ensure that both of you are comfortable with the choices you make.

5. **Consider a Trial Period:** Suggest the idea of trying out sailing together on weekends or vacations before making any long-term decisions. This way, she can experience it firsthand and might become more open to the idea.

6. **Seek Professional Advice:** If you find yourselves at an impasse, consider marriage counseling. A professional can help facilitate productive discussions and find solutions that work for both of you.

Remember, changing her mind might not be the goal. It's about finding a compromise that honors both of your desires and ensures a healthy, happy relationship.

Not bad!

[Adelie]

Welcome to CruisersForum!

I would suggest updating your profile with your general location and your boat make & model or “Looking” in the "Boat" category. This info shows up under your UserName in every post in the web view. Many questions are boat and/or location dependent and having these tidbits under your UserName saves answering those questions repeatedly. If you need help setting up your profile then click on this link: https://www.cruisersforum.com/forums...ml#post3308797

I would happily help more if the link above is not enough.

[Chotu]

It’s the same as the other thread where the woman is complaining about her husband not wanting to do any boating.

The advice she got? Change the spouse. Or don’t have one.

The reality of it is you’re not going to change her mind.

She has a picture of what she wants her life to be like. You have a picture of what you want your life to be like. They are not the same picture. Therefore, you will need to either make compromises to both pictures to line up, or each go do your own thing for a while.


You can’t really force someone to share your dream or live your dream if it is not their own. The last thing you want to do is have her sacrifice her own dreams and her vision of life just for you. That will do nothing but create resentment. Not a good plan.


In your case the best thing is probably to get a slightly more affordable boat and just go do it. Leave her at the house. If your marriage is strong you will survive it. If not, then you grew apart.

There are so many people these days that are not married and don’t want to be that it’s not really a big deal to replace long-term relationships like that with short term ones. That’s actually what I have done and it’s been a lot better. I have not been as happy in marriages and long-term relationships as I am now. It may not be for everyone, but it sure works well for boats and travel. It’s also really really nice to have your own space to yourself and just have women over from time to time to spend a weekend or a week here and there. Or go visit them at their place.

OK that’s thread drift. But you should do one of two things.

Either see if you can have the same picture, which involves both of you modifying your plans, or go do things separately for a while.

Note: if you end up doing things separately for a while, it can be pretty fun actually. You will look forward to seeing each other. Maybe the boat stays in Florida or the Bahamas. Maybe when it’s hot and it sucks in Florida you go up to Vermont for visits. Enjoy the nice weather. Spend time together. Then when it’s snowing and miserable in Vermont she can pop down and enjoy the boat a bit.

[carlosproa]

You might be better served by renting in specific locations and call that your vacation.
If you bring your wife, my advice is to start with a trip on the biggest and more comfortable boat you can rent or handle, and work yourself to smaller and less comfortable boats. If you start with a camper style boat you will lose her interest on that first boat.

[thomm225]

As usual, you are preaching to the choir for the most part.

Your wife is absolutely right!

You have no idea what you are getting yourself into. It's a dream!

We have had others that do what you are planning on CF and many end up with an expensive, large boat they can barely sail with it parked at a marina in Florida.

You might want to consider a set of logical steps on the way to your Bluewater Dream like maybe a small boat you can sail around locally for starters. Then after a summer or two of sailing, see if that is your thing.

Another thing folks/dreamers tend to not understand is that sailing especially offshore is hard physically and then there is the lack of sleep until you get used to it.

Also if you or your wife is prone to seasickness, you first have to figure out what you can do to prevent that because if you are the main sailor onboard seasickness can almost incapacitate you.

I have had to sail and do maintenance a few times as a singlehander while taking breaks to blow chunks or dry heave, and it's no fun.

As far as lake sailing, that works fine for starters and what many seem to forget is you can always go sailing on the lake when it's blowing hard.

You will notice on those days there are few boats out there on the lake unless there is a scheduled race.

As far as Video Logs etc, those are great for dreamers. They are selling cruising.

Many don't show the rainy days though or being totally soaked, tired, and cold and yet having to keep sailing.

Or getting up in the middle of the night to move from an anchorage or reset your anchor.

Then there are the things that break at absolutely the wrong time.

[Kettlewell]

Despite all the naysayers, my advice is always the same to newbies: buy a smallish boat first that isn't too expensive and learn the ropes in a place that is less intimidating, like Lake Champlain. The lake is a perfect place to learn, and in reality is a much larger area than many people cruise during a typical summer vacation even if they are located on the ocean. Buy something like a 30-footer and then work your way up. Don't plan on selling everything just to jump into a bigger boat with no experience and sail off over the horizon. Sure, some people do that and have a great time, but IMHO the ones that start small, work their way up, learn the ropes first, cruise local areas, etc. end up doing much better in the long run.

[thomm225]

For a beginner, I'd say no more than a 24' boat.

Smaller than that is even better because small, light boat react fast when you pull a "string" or make a change of most any sort.

And keep in mind, Webb Chiles recently circumnavigated on a Moore 24 which is a small light weight racing boat most would consider best for lakes but not offshore.

https://www.yachtingworld.com/voyage...-gannet-126337

https://goodoldboat.com/safe-harbor-...s-webb-chiles/

[two-rocks]

Maybe stay off YouTube?

[Don C L]

I say a nice little 22 footer with a cuddy cabin and gunkholing along the Maine coast on some nice warm summer days may help convince your wife, and you even more, of the potential enjoyment ahead for such a dream. (I've never been gunkholing in Maine but the pictures sure look nice!) Definitely DON'T Google "storms at sea" or the like!
https://maineboats.com/coastal-adven...ockton-springs

[dreamer1]

Well you have all given me plenty of food for thought. As I am reading through The Voyagers Handbook by Beth Leonard, I have to believe there is hope.

[TrentePieds]

Dreamer:

MyBeloved had never set foot in any kinda boat till she was at retirement age. We had only just met, but that's another story - one I've told before.

MyBeloved has absolutely no interest in learning to be a skipper, and I take good care not to stress her emotionally by doing any kind of "aggressive" sailing.

So we arrived at the boat a few days ago and the fore-cabin with the V-berths where we sleep is SOAKED. Sleeping bags and blankets soaking wet , and you could bathe in the drawer where I keep my navigator's tools because while we were absent we'd had what it's become fashionable to call an "atmospheric river" — IOW pissing down rain for days on end at a rate that delivered in one day what we usually get in a month.

Well, the scuppers in the gutters around the forehatch had blocked up with what the gulls had left behind, and the water in the gutters had risen and gone through the hatch.

So we spend two days clearing up the mess and drying out, sleeping the night, as my Old Man woulda said "hangin' from a hook on the wall". Wet and cold, of course. We get to the end of all that, the boat is tiddly again, and while MyBeloved is cooking dinner, she turns to me, gets all squinty-eyed and sez: "You know, if you can get along with someone cooped up in a 30-foot boat for a coupla days like that, you can get along with anybody anywhere!"

Women, even wives, that weren't "born to the sea" CAN be taught to like the seafaring life, but it requires a certain approach that doesn't necessarily come naturally to men, particularly not to husbands.

The FIRST thing you'll have to learn if you wish to have both wife and boat is how to make your wife enjoy it being IN the boat. Boat handling and seamanship can come later. It's all about psychology!

All the best :-)!

TrentePieds

[dreamer1]

Originally Posted by TrentePieds

Dreamer:

MyBeloved had never set foot in any kinda boat till she was at retirement age. We had only just met, but that's another story - one I've told before.

MyBeloved has absolutely no interest in learning to be a skipper, and I take good care not to stress her emotionally by doing any kind of "aggressive" sailing.

So we arrived at the boat a few days ago and the fore-cabin with the V-berths where we sleep is SOAKED. Sleeping bags and blankets soaking wet , and you could bathe in the drawer where I keep my navigator's tools because while we were absent we'd had what it's become fashionable to call an "atmospheric river" — IOW pissing down rain for days on end at a rate that delivered in one day what we usually get in a month.

Well, the scuppers in the gutters around the forehatch had blocked up with what the gulls had left behind, and the water in the gutters had risen and gone through the hatch.

So we spend two days clearing up the mess and drying out, sleeping the night, as my Old Man woulda said "hangin' from a hook on the wall". Wet and cold, of course. We get to the end of all that, the boat is tiddly again, and while MyBeloved is cooking dinner, she turns to me, gets all squinty-eyed and sez: "You know, if you can get along with someone cooped up in a 30-foot boat for a coupla days like that, you can get along with anybody anywhere!"

Women, even wives, that weren't "born to the sea" CAN be taught to like the seafaring life, but it requires a certain approach that doesn't necessarily come naturally to men, particularly not to husbands.

The FIRST thing you'll have to learn if you wish to have both wife and boat is how to make your wife enjoy it being IN the boat. Boat handling and seamanship can come later. It's all about psychology!

All the best :-)!

TrentePieds

Those seem like words of wisdom to me. Surely something I will keep in mind. Thank you.

[Chotu]

TrentePieds does indeed have words of wisdom.

One of the most important parts is fixing any leaks. I remember my ex-wife used to really make a point of that with each new boat. And if there is ever a leak over the berth? Forget about it. She’s leaving lol

I used to think the same way as TrentePieds, but over the years, experience with a number of women (none of them interested in sailing if it weren’t for me), my mind has changed a bit.

I have introduced many women to boats and boating. They have all taken to it quite well. Initially. However, after some time most of them will have a nesting instinct that involves land and houses. They don’t really like the drifter lifestyle. That’s more of a man thing I guess.

Of course, I’m talking in generalizations here, but they are accurate.

You can definitely acclimate a woman that is not very interested in boats to the boating lifestyle. However it will not last forever. That’s kind of what I meant by my post. If you want your wife to join you, you’re going to have to do it very carefully and just as Trent peds said. Nice weather. Dinners. Good times. No sailing in storms. Making sure she’s comfortable. Making sure she enjoys herself.

In other words, you yourself should probably get good at sealing first. So that you don’t have any adverse situations that scare her. Or make her feel uncomfortable. So all of that advice about the smaller boat on the lake first? Probably a good idea. Just for you. Then later you can get something more comfortable and introduce her

And good Lord, never yell at her about anything with the boat. If she misses the mooring ball, just come around again. And again. And again. Go do it yourself on the bow if you have to. Or just keep coming around again and again. you have all the Time in the world. There’s no emergency.

But my point is even after all of that and even if she likes it, She will want the house still. Ultimately. You’re not going to sail off into the sunset forever together. At least it’s not very likely. Lol Again these are generalizations about land women. We have a multitude of women here on the forum that are not like this.

You might get lucky. But the odds are stacked against it. Proceed with caution