Caribbean Bound In June, But Wife With Cold Feet

[JeffBr]

It happens, I have got cold feet before, anxiety is a strong force. You got to just keep getting up on the horse. This is my third boat over 25 ft.

Keep rowing

Jeff

[grjfield]

I had a similar experience. Wife and I were avid windsurfers before marriage. After marriage we graduated to a sailboat. Everything was great for several years until we hit a sudden squall one weekend. It came up so fast we had no time to adjust sails. I was confident we could ride it out...which we did ... but I think it put the fear of god into her...and since then she only goes out with me when there's almost no wind.
I had to respect her fears (unfounded or not). Once I realized the boat was more my dream than hers, I adjusted my perception of our boat time.
I now sail with my buddies when the winds up and with her when the winds are light.
I notice your children are quite young. I agree the experience for them would be terrific, but if mom's not on board, its a nogo. Childbirth changed my wife from a free spirit to a mother grizzly. Nobody better mess with her kids! Your spouse may also be worried about taking small kids on a long voyage.
If you gotta go, you gotta go. Find yourself a small crew and go have a blast...and when you are done...sail back to a happy wife.
Good luck!

[Lepke]

You can live your dream or your wifes dream. Either one requires sacrifices in your present situation. I'm nearly 70, say what I think, and don't really care if the women get up in arms. Thru my experiences and couples I have seen, very few women are suited to boat living. Men are the dreamers. Women build nests. Some are afraid of the ocean and some recognize the new difficulties. In traditional roles, women have it much harder on a boat than on land. Often they are the one hauling the groceries and laundry. Cooking and cleanup is harder in most galleys than in a kitchen. Privacy, storage all affect women more than men.
Solve those problems with a bigger boat, on board laundry, dishwasher, larger private cabins and you may have an argument you could win.

[zeehag]

wifee could be affected by the not seeing land -- portion of this and leaving family -- her momma and dad-- while having fun away. what if hey die! all my fault in her mind, for leaving em. many reasons for her change--mebbe she didnot believe your words about actually leaving. did you continue to talk about stuff or did you go silent???
whatever your relationship is doing-- if it can be undone--you need to do that--if not--you need to do that-- learn what is going on under your own roof for a while.
men have a habit of forgetting there is another partner in the deal.

it is never either/or in a successful relationship/partnership, but compromise and sharing, another forgotten part of putting up with someone else for oh so very long.

[powsmias]

[hamburking]

I'm sorry to hear of the divergence between you and your wife.

I'm even sorrier to say I went through something similar with my wife. She started signing papers and making plans for our kids without consulting me or even discussing. However difficult this is for you, it may be even more difficult for your kids...being pulled in different directions by each of their parents.

I respectfully suggest you have a heart to heart talk with your wife. Perhaps you can find some middle ground, like a month of cruising to start, then re-evaluate from there.

I never had that talk with my wife. Now she is my ex wife. Now I can do all the sailing I want...alone. Its sucks. Talk to you wife. Compromise. You may have to give up your dream, or modify your dream.

Personally, I think she's crazy...you have a great plan, you should all go and have a totally epic experience that your kids will love and always remember. But you are a team. You need her. Be nice. Your whole future together may be on the line here.

[hpeer]

Originally Posted by rwidman

I don't understand how it got this far before she said she wasn't going. Obviously, a lot of money was wasted, not to mention of course, your dream.

So now you have to find a new job and buy a new mooring and car? If she wasn't going, why did she let it go this far?

Spot on.

And I think Weavis has offered the best insight and advice.

My wife and I are now full time live aboards. But we could of bought a much bigger boat with the money we spent on counsellors in the mean time.

The counselling wasn't about boating per se but about who we were as a couple.

This isn't about boating at all, it's about two people who can not communicate.

If the marriage doesn't crash over this issue it will crash over something else.

IMHO opinion there are two paths at this juncture.
1. You feel there is enough bond between you and that you really want to make the marriage work. In which you need a really good counsellor ASAP. This will be hard and painful for both parties.
2. The ties that bind are not that strong. And that has to go both ways. And if that is the case then move on. In a wise way. This will be hard and painful also.

I feel for you. Been through a nasty divorce. If you think communicating while living together sucks try doing it through lawyers.

My deepest and heartfelt sympathy for your losses. God speed!

[hamburking]

Originally Posted by zeehag

wifee could be affected by the not seeing land -- portion of this and leaving family -- her momma and dad-- while having fun away. what if hey die!

This pretty much happened to us. My wife would not go sailing and have fun while her mother, then her sister, was battling cancer. So I took my kids sailing on my own, with her permission. Kids still get to be kids and I'm going to give my kids the best childhood I can provide.

[hamburking]

Originally Posted by hpeer

...we could of bought a much bigger boat with the money we spent on counsellors in the mean time.

Counselling is a bargain compared to the financial cost of splitting up.

[weavis]

Originally Posted by Kenomac

Seems like there're a few of us who think weather and timing might be an issue.

But the reality in the OPS statement is that it isnt...

However you seem determined to be prove correct.... go ahead.

As we say in Ireland.

We cant help the helpless..

[Kenomac]

Am I the only married, not previously divorced or single person who's offered up advice on this thread?

[Madwand]

Marriage is the leading cause of divorce...

[Shrew]

Originally Posted by Kenomac

Am I the only married, not previously divorced or single person who's offered up advice on this thread?

I'm still on my first marriage. Going on 21 years in June. We have no kids, so I have to tread lightly on my opinion, as there are factors of which I cannot speak. I shared this thread with my S.O. who had a long string of negative expletives toward OP's wife based on the facts presented to us.

Keep in mind, my SO is on her first marriage as well and she doesn't have children either.

[Cayuse51]

Originally Posted by Kenomac

Am I the only married, not previously divorced or single person who's offered up advice on this thread?

Nope.

[jcord]

I agree with the comment of flying her to Caribbean and do a charter. I don't know your wife but I feel bad for her honestly. I can relate as my husband wants to live full time on our boat etc and has pushed it so long....As a wife part of me really wants it and part really does not. If I had small kids (ours our grown) that would add a whole new element to it, and I too would really have to be sure.
I think with love and unselfishness, let her find out her own feelings. Ask her to charter for the 2 weeks and see how it goes. Let her come to this herself without it being forced. She might surprise you for real when it is not forced.
Those are my thoughts as a wife on the other side of all this.