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soy_el_viento · 16-04-2008, 11:38

It’s funny… in one of my initial posts I joked that perhaps it would be a good idea to incorporate a cruiser-specific personals section into this forum… as I read through this “Women Afloat” thread I realize that such a section would be much like any other personals site… populated mostly by men and inevitably the profiles of the 18yo women who simply love nothing more than to cook a man a nice pot of hot soup in the nude in a cramped galley in 20 foot seas and who are looking to meet a guy anywhere from 18-50 with no concern for his income… would find their way onto the site to lure some sucker into subscribing. I do have hopes of meeting a woman who shares in the dream of the pleasure and the freedom of the open sea and distant ports, but from what I gather that is a pretty rare creature indeed. The part about women being much like cats is as discouraging as it is true in part because the consensus seems to be that they want a man who is forthright and honest and capable… which doesn’t necessarily lend itself to the subtlety that courting someone who is easily spooked would require. The part about the getting the sex out of the way from the onset has some truth from both perspectives… it isn’t always the only thing a man is looking for but until it happens he will be distracted and driven by that desire so it would be best to cross that threshold sooner rather than later. But a woman needs to be assured that she is not merely some vessel for satisfying a man’s desires only (so the apprehension goes) to be tossed aside in favor of the next one—she wants to be wooed and to see some amount of effort that shows he views her as worth getting to know for more than only something physical. So there has to be some middle ground there, not to focus on that aspect of a relationship too much. But then again, I cannot tell how many flowers and chocolates I have given and cooked gourmet dinners and repaired household things for a woman because I was interested in her as more than just a friend… only to find that I was just a friend. More than once this has gone on for far too long with no clear flags that what I was doing was not going to get me anywhere—she just liked the attention and was only interested in me as a friend. Yes, more than once. So yes, I am a sucker. (For more on that topic you might check out www.laddertheory.com.) It’s frustrating to say the least. So if any women are reading this MEN DO NOT BUY YOU FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATES AND MAKE YOU GOURMET DINNERS AND FIX THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE FOR YOU JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO BE FRIENDS AND NOTHING MORE. Was that clear enough?

) So anyway, at a friend’s wedding the best man gave a speech with a kernel of wisdom that stuck with me… he had been frustrated that he couldn’t seem to meet the right woman and was talking to his father about it. His father’s advice was to stop focusing on finding the right woman and instead focus on making himself the right man and then she would find him. It seems to have worked. And hey, we all have our quirks and it isn't rocket science to take a good look at what you really want and how to get it... it just takes a willingness to give up little things that amount to a lot of distractions in favor of something great. So guys, we all seem to be in the same boat here, so to speak (I really hate puns. ;o) and perhaps you will find that advice to be helpful. I am prepared to go out alone and I am sure it is something I am capable of and can gear up for... but it certainly does seem lonely to be bobbing around out there without somebody else to share it with.

I have gained a lot from reading everybody's insights... thank you. ;o)

David_Old_Jersey · 16-04-2008, 11:51

Flowers?.......I dunno what they put in flowers that women like - but they do seem to have a disproportinate effect.

I figure it must be the same as a Woman giving a man a crate of Beer

(and no, I've never had that

).

templequeen · 09-05-2008, 05:41

Gini has provided great advise from the woman's perspective.

We haven't started cruising together yet, the boat will be in Canadian waters in the next three weeks, hope to go cruising for many years in a year or two. I have been very much involved with getting the boat ready which is great. I have a different perspective on things whether it be how to remove a mast step plate, approach to cleaning musty mattresses to "do you think the grey melamine paint that was on sale will go well in the off white head" (not particularly).

Your partner has to want to be part of the dream to begin with and needs to be part of the decision making process from the beginning. If you don't respect your partners opinion on land, you definitely won't at sea.

Sorry Seagypsywoman, but flowers won't make any difference what so ever with me, nor will any bling. Love, what is love? Understanding, respect, intimacy having a laugh means more to me than all the tea in china.

Have mutual respect for each other's opinions, don't make decisions unilaterally, have faith and trust in each other that each will do what is expected (if not, the training that was provided needs improvement or it was not well communicated, not sufficient practice time) and have a laugh if things don't go as planned.

common sense really.

imagine2frolic · 09-05-2008, 05:52

templequeen,

You will obviously remain the Queen. What a wonderful perspective on a relationship. If I haven't won the heart of my wife with who I am. Then what is the relationship based on?

Do I constantly need to buy the woman's approval? When I can no longer afford the finer things in life that type will be gone. In my life my finances have risen, and fallen several times, so I am typing from real experience.......

navigator · 09-06-2008, 05:07

Seer,

If you are 75% of what your words suggest you are, you are a prize.

Is it Melissa Ethridge's song?......"Come to my portlight"

(ok, I paraphrased a bit).

claudius2000 · 16-07-2008, 20:04

My wife is good for about 3 days straight on the water then she has to get off for at least the better part of a full day. Other than that she likes sailing and participates to a great extent. Its close but we won't be sailing away in the sunset on a long trip together. I wouldn't even try if she agreed to it. She enjoys it when it's nice and she handles most things well but isn't really able to lend a hand unless the conditions are favorable.[/quote]

The above describes my wife perfectly.

I was hoping to "train" her to improve in the daring department, but I think I will give it up...just on time.

**GordMay** · 16-07-2008, 22:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by claudius2000

My wife is good ...
... The above describes my wife perfectly.
I was hoping to "train" her to improve in the daring department, but I think I will give it up...just on time.

Women marry men, expecting they can change them. They can’t.
Men marry women, expecting that they won’t change. They do.

**Ex-Calif** · 16-07-2008, 23:08

Have you noticed the bride is always dressed different than the bridesmaids?

Have you noticed the groom is dressed exactly like the rest of the guys?

Priest - "And Mary do you take this man?"
Mary - "No I don't"
Priest - "OK boys. Move along one."
Priest - "How about this one."
Mary - "He'll have to do."

We are definitely projects...

KayKay58 · 30-07-2008, 10:03

I do agree somewhat with seagypsywoman, I would live anywhere with a man I loved, as long as we could be togather is the main point. The key word here is love, which translates I think to, kindness, tolerance, and being able to forgive. I have been with my husband for 30 years now, and there are times of course when I would like to throw him over the side, and then, there are times when I look at him and think... how did I get so lucky! I keep in mind always that he is my best friend, and I always try to treat him as such. Oh, and the flowers and candy, a great bonus!!!!! LOL.

**GordMay** · 03-08-2008, 05:04

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

amytom · 03-08-2008, 08:42

Several posts (and months) back there was talk of different roles at different times (wife/husband vs capt./crew) it comes down directly to the lighthearted name many of us give our better halves. The real roles are Captain/Admiral. On the water I run the boat but she decides where we go and what we do. At home it's pretty much the same. When things get rough she listens to me without question, during all other times I do my best to meet her needs before my own.
When it comes time to sail off into the sunset (a few kids to get out the door first) I hope it will be just as smooth as it is now.

Tom

amytom · 03-08-2008, 08:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by GordMay

Remember... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

What was the old saying? Marriage is grand; divorce is twenty grand.
I'm on my second and last marriage and can say from experience that twenty grand is a conservative estimate.

High Heels · 31-08-2008, 19:43

Hallie - loved your post here...makes so much sense to me and is helping me sort through so much as I consider cruising with my husband of many years...

Seer, your post, well your post just rings so true on so many levels...I am sorry for the loss of your first true love but hope life brings you another one day...

hmsindy · 03-09-2008, 16:26

I heard "me or the boat" too many times until I met my wife. Oh, and I always kept my boats. I am fortunate that she likes sailing as much or more so than I. We still joke about the "litmus" test we gave each other. She had to pass my "oars" test, whereby she had to step over the dinghy oars I kept beside the passenger door in my old Hundai. I got tired of people stealing my oars from my dinghy on the dinghy landing and had been in the practice of keeping them in my car. She was certain I couldn't have a girlfriend since no women would step over those things. I can't remember now what I had to do but it must have worked as we've been happily married for 15 years now. Maybe the test was getting rid of those aweful oars...!