Keeping a Mate Happy Aboard

[hellosailor]

Chris-
Either you enjoy spending time apart and that's something neither of you have a problem with, or
--You sell the boat
--You divorce the wife
--You'll wake up one morning and find the divorce papers waiting for you.

A limited range of options, pick whichever one works for you.

[Boracay]

Whot! No other choices?

[beau]

Its bloody hard to get another good boat.

A friend of mine had the option put too him some years ago.
He was 57 and retired, so he bought the boat he had always been dreaming of.
He told the wife what he had done (after he bought the boat) and was told it was either the marriage or the boat.
Two weeks later he moved aboard the boat and another two weeks later a new women moved aboard with him.
Honestly I thought it was his daughter?
anyway I asked him how he and his daughter were getting on in a cramped 29ft boat. He said what daughter?

[beau]

A real life experience.

My ex wife never liked boats. The kids grew up, we divorced.

Im 58 years old and love the water, love boats. It was not looking good.

So I went on one of those internet dating forums.
Rsvp, Match.com etc I explained who I was and what I intend to do with the rest of my life (boating)
Sure I exagerated things a bit. "My favourite evening is to sit on the aft deck on my yacht in a seculded anchorage drinking gin and tonics and watching the sun go down"
It worked.

I had 500 replies from all over the world. 200 were local.
After checking a few out, and testing them for wear and tear. etc etc
One question was "do you peel your own prawns" "can you bait a hook"

I found a lovely lady Christine (53) (I'am not into those young things). She had sailing (cruising) experience, she was well travelled and like the same things I do, we moved in together.

She even paid for the boat.

[Boracay]

So to those of you who know...

Was the boat the direct cause or were there other factors?

For example: Would the outcome have been the same if the choice was between divorce and three years in a villa in Tuscany, or a series of extended holidays, or a RV etc.?

Or was it going to happen anyway?

[GordMay]

My sailing friend commented, over a beer: "I'm going to take my wife to Australia for our twentieth anniversary" - to which I wondered: "What are you going to do for your twenty-fifth anniversary, then?"
My buddy said, "I'm going back to pick her up."
Game over - he loses!

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40

AT THE PARTY
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10

HER BIRTHDAY
You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-500

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in
responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......-100
Any other response.....-20

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her
saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000

Hope this helps ...

[GordMay]

”CHANGING COURSE: A Woman's Guide to Choosing the Cruising Life”
by Debra Ann Cantrell

”... the essential first step for all couples planning to sail away ...” ~ Paul and Sheryl Shard, authors of Sail Away!

CHANGING COURSE chronicles the odyssey of making a major lifestyle change from land to sea from a woman's perspective. The moving and often poignant thoughts, feelings, and experiences of more than 100 women illustrate the decision-making process that enabled most of them to move from resisting the change proposed by their partners to embracing the cruising life. It is an inspiring examination of the highs, lows, and day-to-day drama of changing one's life in a fundamental way. From the common fears that prevent individuals from taking risks to the interpersonal dynamics that affect couples and relationships, this one-of-a-kind book explores the phenomenon of change and the growing lifestyle change movement. This thought-provoking and highly personal book explores what women stand to gain when they set forth on such a journey - and what they stand to lose if they do not.

Goto:
Changing Course: A Woman's Guide to Choosing... - Google Book Search

[Benny]

Gord - thanks for the Simple Duties point system - I always thought I was being 'summed up' when involved in those exchanges with my wife.
Problem is I don't think I can subtract those higher numbers quickly enough to keep score properly

My own observations on these important matters are firstly based on the premise that the female of the human species is not - not the same species! No disrespect ladies but if you are completely honest about it, you are a different species from us and this fact has led to all kinds of misunderstanding and misapplication of thought and logic by human males in their attempts to relate to you.

Let us examine but just a very few samples to elucidate the otherwise uninformed among us and hopefully correct the woefully wide chasm that exists between our two species and begin the process whereby this gap in our thoughts, actions, ideals and idiosynchrasies can be narrowed to the point where we can peacefully co-exist with the general expectation of peace on earth and goodwill toward men - aqnd I mean that 'goodwill' part literally!

Firstly, there is an inherent dislike of the term 'woman' by their species because the term actually is an abbreviated conjunction of the words 'womb' and 'man' In other words she is a man with a womb. Although if this were true, human men would have an easier time dealing with her because everything about a 'woman' would be 'male' except the reproductive system. This also applies to the term 'female' which contain the word 'male' and 'she' which contains the word 'he'. So you see in our feeble attempts to catagorize this species, men have tried to apply our logic and thought processes to a being which we believed could be just like a man in most ways excepting the reproductive system. You can certainly now understand the animosity they harbour deep inside from way back in time by having been erroneously identified as part of the human species as only an altered male. It is like calling a cat a dog and expecting that cat to act, think, and feel like a dog. We human men should really endevour to come up with a new a name to identify their species and no I'm not thinking of some of the more common slang terms used by men like - honeybun, sweetie, darling, babe, seahag etc. and especially not the word - DEAR!

Now we come to probably the most identifiable difference between our species and that is the thinking and feeling processes.

Since time immemorial, mankind has evolved to a logical and usually unemotional being that has had to provide most of the security and nourishment for the species. This has entailed waking every day and going out into the world to forage, bargain, compete, fight, and gather unto himself as much of the desirable properties and recognition as he can in order to propigate the species and afford some comfort to the family unit and advance his stature among other men. What little time was left to him, is usually spent relaxing with a favourite refreshment and activitiy of which men have created many to satisfy the diversity of our nature - like sailing.

Enter the 'female' species. From what I can observe and deduce, this species is more illogical and much more emotional than human males and I believe these are evolved characteristics designed solely to confuse and out-manouvre the human male in order to further the interests and goals of their species - which I believe is - Male Domination! There are various methods used by them - all devious and camoflaged as really caring for us and agreeing with our decisions - DON'T YOU BELIEVE IT! Unfortunately, their quest for Male Domination is pretty much complete and there is not much we men can do about it. Maybe there is some freedom fighter out there who will organize and lead our species to rebel against this oppressive foe and put the human male back into his rightfull place of Rulers of the Universe - we can only hope. In the meantime, please endevour to use Gord's list in order to survive the onslaught as best as possible.

I would really love to continue this disertation on the plight of man and the differences in the two species but I hear my wife calling me - YES DEAR - I'm Coming....

[Hyprdrv]

Where to start...
First of I'm new to the forum and have found this string to be of very high importance as well as pertinence I'm a landlubber, the largest boat I've sailed is a 15ftr. I'm fond of mechanical things and have a desire to learn anything. My lovely wife of 34 years is all woman and enjoys those privileges, flowers, cloths, jewelry, ect. We are in our 50's and have started to talk more about retirement over the last few years, money isn't a big issue, I say that since it's normally a large factor in a relationship. Last year in our discussions we talked about buying a summer home. We love the ocean but would never buy a house on it. We live in Virginia which has one major lake and it's a zoo pretty much any time it's nice out. We like this area so don't want to move to another plus our adult son lives here. Our daughter is married and living in Boston.
To go back a few years we had spent the day in Annapolis at the fall sail show and fell in love with the Cats. Here was a house boat on steroids that was well laid out and all the comforts she could ask for. So when the summer home came up I suggested we take another look at a Cat.
Cindy loves roller coasters, travel, and not cooking. She hates bugs. Her idea of camping is a Holiday Inn. We have been on a catamaran in the 40 ft range twice, both times in the islands both times for less than a day. This May we are going to the Spring show in Annapolis to see what we can see. I've talked to the Catamaran Center and they of course are looking forward to meeting with us. It also turns out that a business friend of Cindy's has a 42 ft Cat in the area and is going to take us out for the day and offered for us to spend the night on board. She is excited.

Unlike a number of you planning that Global trip we are starting small. I'm hoping to spend a year or two on the Chesapeake, Move on to trips to both north and south on the East Coast like Boston and Myrtle Beach, (golf is also an important staple), then move down to the Carib after we get our sea legs. All of this sounds like a great way to spend some of our pre-retirement life and then see what happens from there. The kids are getting a little excited about it as well which helps the cause. The idea of spending time on board as a family is motivating Cindy with little input from me. Hopefully a 38'ish ft Cat is in the future.

We have a lot to learn about sailing, probably more about our relationship, but we look forward to it. I'm hoping that we both keep our eyes wide open.

Steve

[Captain Mark]

Gord, thanks for the list... it will certainly help.

I've recently narrowed down the search for "our" new boat Having sold the last one a couple of years ago... not hard to part with a 41' Benetau So have been searching for an older, passage making, live aboard that would be less like cave camping for the Admiral. Her idea of camping is also a nice hotel, preferably with a spa We had all of the requisite talks, etc. so now that we are in the final negotiations on a boat, which I love... I get the look in the eye and the "Wait, you're searious!" speech. So, at first out of my complete lack of understanding of the other species, I first sent her a link to Sea Gypsies web site..., then I tried to explain my experiences prior to meeting her a few years ago, while I was punched out from "normal" life and cruising the Carribean for nearly two years. Okay, so the pictures and the ports, etc. she loved... but cross an ocean!!! Now were down to "How many frequent flyer miles" do I have... So the negotiation has at least boiled down to, Yes I think you should buy the boat (she's giving up on the summer home/RV idea -- her desire), to "allow" me my dream... and I think she's agreeable "IF" I just have her fly in/out of each "dream" destination. As I've thought about it, I think I kind of like the idea! )

Mark

[Hiracer]

Best thread ever!

Many thanks to the women who posted. I learned lots. Gonna buy flowers next sailing weekend. Promise to never raise my voice again or give that look that says, "That was stupid."

I'm lucky and unlucky. Even if she has zero interest in the actual act of sailing, my wive loves coastal 'cruising' and, in fact, is the reason why we have our boat. I didn't think we could afford it, what with a couple of college and graduate school educations coming down the pipeline. But she went and got a higher paying job and commited the extra income to the boat purchase--taking my arguments away from me. She didn't have to twist my arm all that hard, believe me.

I'm unluckly because she gets seasick pretty easy and is scared of going offshore. So for now, the promise is to stick to coastal cruising and hope this limitation is self correcting. Meanwhile, the map shows lots of coastal cruising.

Glad I gave in and purchased the stern grill, even though I didn't want to junk up the boat. I can see that I got points for that. Plus, she knows I won't let her grill. That's man's work.

Bottom line: Must make it fun and enjoyable for her. Learn to listen better. I really don't want to go cruising with anybody else. I'll only get one shot at this, so I must do it right the first time.

[Ted and Relinda]

From a water loving, deck working, can't wait to go full time cruising "first mate". I was brought up on the water always being out fisihing with Daddy & my husband wasn't. But neither of us were sailors when we taught ourselves. We learned together, taking courses both on line and through CG Auxiliary and by practicing together. Our 2 biggest helps on the boat are: #1 voice activated headsets. We all know how hard it is to yell over the wind, diesel, outboard or whatever- and this is for both parties or as many crew as you have on board. It is either I can't hear you, what did you say, you walk back or a shouting match starts with one or both or all getting really upset and it just goes down hill very quickly. #2 Trust- doesn't matter who has the experience draw up your own personal pact between the 2 of you. We have an agreement that it does not matter which one of us or the reason- if 1 says NO or along the lines of something doesn't feel right or I don't want to- a short discussion and normally we find something else to do, somewhere else to go or just stay put. But we also have the respect of the other that if one says turn this way or maneuver that way we do it without question.
We started this back when we started sailing in the late 80's while we were still dating on our 23 foot Watkins. We quit smoking together on board and both of us have survived, learned a lot of lessons together, argue, cry, use the boat as our safe haven but mostly we work together onboard and love together on board. We know sail a 37 CC Irwin and retire next year for an extended and hopefully long time living and loving on board. Do we butt heads- all the time but the fun is in making up.
Give her the chance to tell you where she is comfortable & what she would like to do. Give her a chance to get with our ladies who enjoy sailing ( on line works just as well) and they may help her more than you will know.
Enjoy and good luck!

Relinda
Punta Gorda, Fl
s/v Ten-Ten Irwin 37CC

[purdue512]

Originally Posted by Hyprdrv

Where to start...
First of I'm new to the forum and have found this string to be of very high importance as well as pertinence I'm a landlubber, the largest boat I've sailed is a 15ftr. I'm fond of mechanical things and have a desire to learn anything. My lovely wife of 34 years is all woman and enjoys those privileges, flowers, cloths, jewelry, ect. We are in our 50's and have started to talk more about retirement over the last few years, money isn't a big issue, I say that since it's normally a large factor in a relationship. Last year in our discussions we talked about buying a summer home. We love the ocean but would never buy a house on it. We live in Virginia which has one major lake and it's a zoo pretty much any time it's nice out. We like this area so don't want to move to another plus our adult son lives here. Our daughter is married and living in Boston.
To go back a few years we had spent the day in Annapolis at the fall sail show and fell in love with the Cats. Here was a house boat on steroids that was well laid out and all the comforts she could ask for. So when the summer home came up I suggested we take another look at a Cat.
Cindy loves roller coasters, travel, and not cooking. She hates bugs. Her idea of camping is a Holiday Inn. We have been on a catamaran in the 40 ft range twice, both times in the islands both times for less than a day. This May we are going to the Spring show in Annapolis to see what we can see. I've talked to the Catamaran Center and they of course are looking forward to meeting with us. It also turns out that a business friend of Cindy's has a 42 ft Cat in the area and is going to take us out for the day and offered for us to spend the night on board. She is excited.

Unlike a number of you planning that Global trip we are starting small. I'm hoping to spend a year or two on the Chesapeake, Move on to trips to both north and south on the East Coast like Boston and Myrtle Beach, (golf is also an important staple), then move down to the Carib after we get our sea legs. All of this sounds like a great way to spend some of our pre-retirement life and then see what happens from there. The kids are getting a little excited about it as well which helps the cause. The idea of spending time on board as a family is motivating Cindy with little input from me. Hopefully a 38'ish ft Cat is in the future.

We have a lot to learn about sailing, probably more about our relationship, but we look forward to it. I'm hoping that we both keep our eyes wide open.

Steve

Sounds like a great plan Steve. Ease into it. Make sure it's fun for EVERYONE.. I know it took me years to realize that FUN is the thing that will bring them back out on the water. Not everybody has my passion for sailing....

There is plenty to see on the Bay. You could spend 10 years getting into every nook and cranny, especially with a Cat.

[navigator]

This is an age old topic and still interesting to me.

I have read all those books for women and cruising. A fraction of what I've read is of interest because it's all about the man making it palatable for the woman.

I'm already sold on the concept. It's been a dream of mine for at least ten years. I have put myself in a mortgage free situation to eliminate that tough detail when the time comes - being forced to sell.

My biggest problem is finding the right guy. I've ended a relationship that has been on and off for years. We even bought a boat together. We shared the same attitude towards sailing for the most part, err to the conservative, start the engine if you absolutlely have to, that sort of stuff. I've always found it interesting how many men tweak and tweak the boat never relaxing, putting on the auto pilot, grabbing a book (or their mate) and enjoying a nice long tack.

What was lacking in the 'relationship' that was so magnified while cruising for weeks at a time was the lack of an intelectual connection. I would get so darn bored, that the next trip I would bring more books, paint, tapes, cd's, nyt sunday crossword puzzles just to fill the void. But it wasn't enough. Although during the day he would abstain, once the anchor went down the first drink would get poured and not stop till bed time, which was always hours after I went to bed. Now, he didn't get mean or anything but his speech became rediculous and he became preach and just plain stupid..." well the diesel engine needs to be run at a minumum of...bla bla bla". Like he's talking to someone who's never been on a boat before. But I would make the best of it, make sure all the creature comforts were there, have good food, make sure there were some treats for the crew and HOPE TO MEET PEOPLE AND BE A LITTLE SOCIAL.

Well I fianally threw in the towel. The whole experience on the boat became his experience and I just orbited around him. The last two years with him I started to dread going sailing. We did well together in handling the boat so long as there were no surprises. When communication was needed, it rarely worked well.

All the years I've sailed, when I would come across someone who did a fair amount of sailing growing up but really didn't like it - it was always because of (after my probing) the parent or uncle that the boat belonged to. It's all about what goes on between the people on the boat that makes the sail a good one, IMHO.

I used to get off a boat closer to myself than when I got on, and closer to the people I sailed with. Walls just come down out there, it can be magical!

So, I've walked away from a beautiful rare blue water boat that I convinced him we should buy. He sold his Catalina, I sold my little Tempest. Now I have no boat and the idea of getting another one solo just bums me out. Then it becomes the age old pain of rounding up crew, worrying about every detail myself etc.

So, here is a fiancially, emotionally and phisically fit 50 year old woman in search of what all you guys say are hard to find. What up with that?

[hellosailor]

Most of us are lacking in some way. If we were bargains we'd have been snatched off the shelf a long time ago. (And I'm saying that for both sexes, or more properly, for all five natural genders.)

I think somewhere in the 50's or 60's parents somehow lost the notion of how or whether to teach their children "if you want to have a long term relationship, get started early and plan to work harder at it than at anything else you've ever done."

Net result? Most of us started too late with too little warning about how hard the job would be. That, and we're all such bargains.<G>

You have to consider that "normal" people just don't mess around with boats, so you need two compatible eccentrics to have a relationship AND have a boat involved in it. If you love sailing, keep sailing, and if you can't find any interesting sailors at the local boat clubs or yacht clubs...Try bringing coffee and doughnts around to the weekend shift at the USCG station?<G>