Married but sailing alone

[Celestialsailor]

Because someone thinks one way or another about their personal relationship is no need to draw narrow minded conclusions about their entire relationship with 'because a person does it this way, therefore they must think this way or that'....having never met them or know their past.

[JUNKFLYBOY]

My wife has never been on my sailboat, works great!! Have no trouble finding able bodied and experienced ladies to go along, but I never stay out longer than couple months without flying home to check honey do list.

[daletournier]

Defining what a marriage ( or long term relationship) is, that's the hard bit in this modern world. What ever works! Regardless of it being traditional or not. Maybe the alternative relationships are better (happier) than the traditional marriage? A very old institution in a very modern world. Statistics suggest the classical theme is quite broken, so why not try a different tack?

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[daletournier]

Btw great thread, thought provoking.

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[skipmac]

Originally Posted by Ann T. Cate

^^^^Knowing you're going to get seasick can really put a damper on your enjoyment, especially when it has been time after time, and you don't like throwing up.

You might ask her if she would consider using Stugeron, (cinnarizine HCl) what Jim and I use. it is the only thing that works for me with no side effects. If she is game to give it a go, do what you have to to get some for her to try. You can, I understand, get it mail order out of Canada, and also in Mexico. It is also otc in Great Britain and Vanuatu.

There are other things that work so-so for me, PM me for more, if interested.

Ann, who was once seasick for 19 days in a row, and never for long after that

Thanks Ann for the recommendation. I've seen a lot of very positive comments online about the effectiveness of Stugeron for seasickness. One problem, my wife doesn't do pills except in dire circumstances. 90% of the time if she gets a headache (rare) she won't even take an aspirin or other OTC analgesic.

Also, I've read some reports of really scary side effects like Parkinson's. Not up to date on all the details mainly the percentage of users that experience side effects but even a hint of that will probably be enough to scare my wife away.

While I would love to have her on the long trips I'm quite happy to find friends to go along for the long passages and meeting her at some exotic destination. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Fortunately, so far I've been one of the lucky ones. I might get sick the first day out if it's rough but after I get my sea legs I can stand on my head in the engine room during a gale with impunity.

[lifeofreilly57]

I would never give personal advice on marriage, relationships or how one should go bout it, there are just too many variables there. I have my personal preferences and respect others preferences. I can relate what my experience has been, but of course it's much more complicated than what you can say in short blurb.
I do know that life is short, love does not conquer all, and each person has to live their life as they see fit.
We all have to make decisions on what is important in our own lives, you only have a very short time on this planet, make the most of it.
Just make the decision that's right for your life.
Definitely don't do what I'd do, you'd have to be crazy.
Mom must have dropped me on my head a lot as a baby.

[mcarling]

Among my friends, it seems that the strongest marriages are those who are apart from time to time.

I'm presently on the hard for a while to spend more time with my father during the last few years of his life. Then I'll get a boat and return to life at sea. I'm not sure that I would do the same for a spouse. Maybe. There is no chance of ever getting another parent.

If a partner seems to not enjoy sailing, I would try to determine exactly what about sailing is the issue. It might be seasickness, limited water, limited electricity, limited space, pumping the toilet, 30 degree inclination, etc. There are solutions to all these problems, though mostly they require investing money in a larger or more expensive boat. I guess something less than a 100' catamaran would be enough to make most of the complainers comfortable.

Perhaps too many of us ask what boat would satisfy our own needs rather than ask what boat would satisfy our partner's needs.

[Kenomac]

The responses have surprised me so far by how narrow minded most seem to be.

My wife and I live on our boat six months per year, and because of her chosen work schedule during that time we're on the boat, I'm alone for 11-12 weeks. I use the time to pursue other interests like bicycle racing, photography, boat maintenance, scuba, free diving, underwater photography etc., activities which don't interest my wife that much at all. When she's away, she works as an operating room registered nurse, spends time with her work buddies and visits her family in New York.... Activities that don't interest me very much.

It's been working out quite well for seven years now. Buying our boat was her idea, I would never have come up with the idea myself.

Why would one member of a marriage partnership/relationship ever want to tie down the other and force their interests upon the other? 'Doesn't make any sense to me. We've been married for 38 years... 'must be doing something right.

[alansmith]

Reed1v, hear me out, my friend. One of the best things about this forum is not only the transfer of important information regarding technical data, procedural information, and a place to ask questions ....but to hear what other people's opinions are.


You stated it was ludicrous to ask a forum such a question as stated by the OP. I submit to you that it doesn't show weakness but shows he has life experience enough to know that there are many ways to slice the onion. Your mind...just like my mind...and her mind...has a certain way of working through the grist to get to the germ of the wheat. We all have strengths and weaknesses in how we approach and solve difficult equations. The main thing for me is that if I can ask for an "opinion" on a life decision I can get answers from people who approached it and succeeded or approached it and failed. I can see what their thought processes were and pick up some useful information.


You heard people say divorce her...compromise with her...she just accepts it and is fine with it...So, Reed, I am an old guy now. The hard face routine doesn't work well when used on me...I just have no tolerance for it if treated in such a way. A woman that you love and are loved by is one of most precious things in this world...If not thee most precious. So, I will always go the extra mile and always meet her more than halfway to show my respect for her. Then I will tell her what I need and ask her what she needs. It usually works. When it doesn't I look for another way to get her turned. Asking for opinions is a valid way to find solutions to difficult situations. Just sayin'

[mwells]

What has worked well for us, has been for me to do short sailing legs or segments on the gulf side of TX and Florida. Once at a destination, the wife of 40 years, then catches up, often flying to my location to spend a week or extended weekend. Over the years I have done a fair amount of Scuba, biking and kayaking on my own and she is comfortable with it. Her idea of sailing is a nice relaxing day on the water, reading a book while sitting in a slip; if on the water sailing, then winds need to be in the 2-4 knots range, or in other words, the less wind the better.
She wants a modern marina with nice showers, lots of counter space to curl and blow dry the hair etc. Forget about preparing a meal on the boat; we have to go out to eat. Her idea of camping or roughing it is a Holiday Inn.
So for us this has been the compromise that works; I single handle sail and enjoy the journey and once at the destination she joins me to see the sites, sample the food and relax.

[JPA Cate]

Just how this little story fits into this thread, I'll leave to you all. It happened in 1990 that Jim and I reached NZ in our previous 36i footer. One morning I was belowdecks and Jim was chatting with some guys on the dock.

"Where'd you come in from?"

"Tonga."

"And before that?? [probably picking up on our Yank accent)

"French Polynesia."

"Hmm. Just you and your wife aboard?"

"Yes."

"But who do you TALK to?"

Call it whatever you will, it's just a little moment in time.

To the extent that each holds the other's interest as close to prime as they can, y'all'll do just fine sailing....

Ann

[TheThunderbird]

OMG
I realize now that I went through it all, when asking my then- beloved..

"Dear, shall I buy a 41' for coastal sailing, or a 54' for serious offshore?"

I had no answer (typically F answer indeed)... thus, you see I came out alone, with the bigger s/y

[IntoMyHealth]

I learned to sail as a teenager. I took my wife sailing for the first time on a hobie cat on our honeymoon. I saw the look come over her face with the first good breeze that swept us away. Pure joy! I've always loved sailing, but seeing that look and hearing her laugh. That just brought it to a whole new level for me. We have our own boat now and I suppose we even sometime bicker like old cruising couples will do. And she still gets that look on her face. Right about when we hit seven knots. Nine? Forget it. She's out of control. She still gets that crazy laugh. No, I couldn't imagine sailing without her now. That's us.

[a64pilot]

If I remember this whole thread, first it ain't all Passage making, and there can be comfort and even Luxury in a larger boat, it's just possible that she has seen mostly the miserable parts?

Charter something big and Luxurious in a Paradise area with the intent of sailing little and let her see what life anchored in Paradise in a luxurious boat can be like.
It may fundamentally change her thoughts about boats and sailing.


On edit, if you have ever really been seasick, that is a dire circumstance, anybody would take any kind of medicine to end that, I think maybe there are many ways to die that are not as uncomfortable as seasickness.

[TheThunderbird]

A happy woman on board is better than any Fair winds