Seagypsy Woman Asks -

[Boracay]

You can't put butter on their feet.

[David_Old_Jersey]

Hi Arleen,

Originally Posted by arleen

I'm............financially independent

If that be the case you only really need to ensure that you remain so - to keep your options open. If you have any equity in the Boat then make sure you have an agreement that covers / forces the sale of the boat if the partnership breaks down. And I would get a lawyer for that if the sum involved would hurt. And of course retain control over your assets

Apart from that make sure you live within your means (including the boat pot) - IMO keeping financially independent will prevent the feeling of being trapped in a relationship (or boat!) - which can have it's own negative dynamic........after all, floating around on a boat is not everyone's idea of fun and it sounds like way to early for you to buy a one way ticket for that "dream" (even if your partner already has).

The marriage thing? Well, if he has been burned before..........After a certain age some folk may realise that whilst getting married may be desirable that if it went pear shaped it would simply be too late to start again financially. You can't get everything you want in life - no matter what the adverts say

I was knocking around with the Missus for 8 years or so before we got married. I thought we were both relaxed on the subject. and so did she. But afterwards she was walking around like a dog with two tails And I liked it a lot more than I thought as well I am guessing part of the "legal rights" you are talking about relate to if things go wrong with your partner (or you) healthwise. When me Missus got sick late last year it was helpful for both of us (in practice) to be married, as well as a comfort to her. And when things went badly it was helpful (in practice) for me to able to sort out her funeral arrangements and related legal stuff (she was abroad), as well as a comfort for me from not having to take second place to her blood relations..........but families differ on the importance of that one

[seagypsywoman]

Just wondering how you're doing Arleen with your plans. What have you and your partner decided to do about "the piece of paper".

[arleen]

(sigh) We have talked about "marriage".......He is saying, yes, we'll get married, "When we find the right spot, somewhere along our voyage."
We are planning to leave the first of March......I don't think we are going to see any paper or ceremony prior to that.......

There's not much more I can say.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement!


Arleen

[arleen]

It's all good......We've worked everything out.....I feel we are both protected and on the same page......BTW: the ring is stunning --- and we made sure that it wouldn't get stuck in lines, shrouds, or get blown away....hahaha Thanks for letting me vent.....

[jwidahonurse]

Congrats Arleen!!! I myself was just married last weekend. It is important. We are going on a very long cruise from CA USA to New Zealand. I felt it was important to have " THE piece of paper". I wish you fair winds and good sailing.
Jw

[H/V Vega]

Takes a look at seagypsywoman..... Hummm! Was that a trick question?

[nautical62]

Originally Posted by GordMay

Ok, here are examples of real questions that women have asked me and ones that I don't think would fit on another thread:


...

2. I answered a 'crew wanted ad' and although we have corresponded via email, we have never met before. I'm planning to fly to where his boat is so that we can meet. How can I find out if he expects extra benefits - and can I trust his answer? What if he turns out to be a captain Bly? How can I protect myself?

...
__________________
WWW.SEAGYPSYSAILING.COM - Barefoot Sailing Around The World One Day At A Time

I know this comes from a ways back in this thread, but it's something I have seen come up recently, so thought I'd comment. On occasion, I've had a free week or two and advertised for crew to join me including women, so I've seen this come up, including once recently.

How can you know what the captain's intentions or goals are?: Generally, the best way is to ask.

You will be spending a long time living in closed quarters with someone you know little about. No question or topic should seem off limits. Similarly, make it clear where you stand on such issues. Spend a lot of time talking and feeling the situation out and listen to what your gut tells you. Some people get offended when such topics come up. I think that's too bad. I feel it's much better to address everything outright, not only issues of relationship, but also issues of privacy, activities you will be doing, music, food, etc.

Compared to commercially available trips, crewing for someone allows you to spend the time to get to know both captain and crew. Take advantage of that fact and spend the time doing so before the cruise begins.

[arleen]

Just my humble .02 worth.....
• he's going to expect that you know what you're doing
• make sure you have all of his references and credentials
• as seagypsy mentioned, have everything understood --- all the intimate details included
• if he isn't gay, remember that he will always see you as a woman....close quarters, a few laughs, and possibly a little alcohol lead to all sorts of situations....and remember, the opposite holds true too.....you might think he's hot!

[MarkJ]

OK you might think this is sexist, but its not meant to be.

If you are a woman don't flirt.

Blokes have a rather small, one track mind... and like a railway there is only 2 signals Red and Green

[nautical62]

Originally Posted by arleen

Just my humble .02 worth.....
• he's going to expect that you know what you're doing
• make sure you have all of his references and credentials
• as seagypsy mentioned, have everything understood --- all the intimate details included
• if he isn't gay, remember that he will always see you as a woman....close quarters, a few laughs, and possibly a little alcohol lead to all sorts of situations....and remember, the opposite holds true too.....you might think he's hot!

I won't argue that any of this is bad advice. It's certainly not, but I'll also offer a slightly different perspective on a couple of the points from the inside of a mind of a captain that sometimes finds crew, (but is not looking for anyone here):

"He's going to expect you know what you're doing" - I'm sure many captains are this way. I personally never expect new people to know anything. (Actually, I often prefer it when they don't. It's easer to teach, than it is to unteach and then teach.) I do expect people to be willing to learn and help out. To me compatibility and an ability to live on a boat is much more important than any sailing skills. Skills are easy to teach. Living aboard and compatibility are not.- My point is don't feel you can't crew just because you don't know what you are doing. There are many captains who don't care and might even appreciate that.

"references and credentials" -

References - I certainly think people should ask for these if they feel it's important but find some of the assumptions related to these or need for them can be interesting. A true story: A couple years ago, a friend of a friend wanted to learn to sail. I offered. (through the friend) She knew about me through her friends, (basically reference) and knew who I was, though not personally. Apparently she wasn't comfortable so instead she signed up for a class which she had to wait weeks for and felt fine doing so without checking any references, credentials or even knowing who the instructor was. Guess who the instructor was.- me.

I do often get requests for a reference when I have crew join me and provide them willingly. (Whether my references are available or off sailing somewhere is another story.) Now in terms of compatibility, it may give you some insights to talk with someone who has sailed with me, but to make decisions about your safety based on one person whom I've provided.... come on now. Anyone can find someone who will say they are not a threat. Anyone can find one person they didn't try to take advantage of. I'm happy to provide references to people who want to join me if that is what gets things to happen, but that some people use this as their primary means to decide compatibility or safety, absolutely befuddles me. That people so readily blindly sign up for such things with no care for this at all in some situations, but then in similar situations can never have enough, befuddles me even more. (Though I must admit, I'm easily befuddled. Sometimes the ease at which I become befuddled even befuddles me.)

Credentials: A few years ago, I became an ASA bareboat instructor. Its something that seems to put many potential crew (especially women) more at ease. Does having ASA credentials mean I'm more qualified to take people out than I was the year previously? Does it mean I'm safer? Does it mean I'm less likely to harm someone? Does it mean my romantic or other intentions are any different? Does it mean I stop seeing you as a woman? Has the ASA done a background check on me that should fill you with confidence? The answer to all these is no. All it means is I've passed some ASA tests and I have a piece of paper to prove it. I'll admit, I say this to prospective crew because I know it makes them more at ease, but the reality is it means little. The fact I have taken people out frequently, am used to getting along with a variety of people of all abilities means something, but is unrelated to any credentials I have. You'll find the nature of these experiences out by talking to me, not through any credentials I have.

Odds are I'll never sail with anyone reading this here, so I personally gain nothing by saying these things and getting anyone to look at these issues differently. I point them out from the other side, to help put them in perspective and so people don't have a false sense of security by relying on primarily on them. Spending time to objectively look at compatibility and safety is a good thing to do. Check references and credentials if you feel this helps you to this end, but be careful in relying on them as your primary source of decision making regarding competence, compatibility or especially safety. Good communication, common sense and your gut feelings are so important to knowing what you are getting into.

[kismet]

what he said

[arleen]

Nautical62 is much more thorough than my 2 cents.....
"Good communication, common sense and your gut feelings are so important to knowing what you are getting into"......that's surely the key....And I guess I'd want more info and details: is she going to go for a day sail first to see how he skippers his boat? and if she's concerned about his "intentions", perhaps she needs to look into those gut feelings.....(Maybe she should crew with another woman?? ....

[kismet]

go out for coffee..you might fall in love

[nautical62]

Meeting for coffee or going on a day sail is a great idea. However, it's often just not practical. If I'm in the Caribbean with my boat and someone who may join me is in Canada, it really comes to down to deciding to make the leap or not. Again, people make this leap for ASA courses and other outdoor ventures all the time, often investing thousands without knowing anything about the captain/leader or other participants.

While I point out what I think are some inconsistencies or false sense of security issues, I think in the end everyone needs to decide for themselves what makes them comfortable going into any travel situation.